A New Life, A New Landscape

Wow, this is the longest stretch I've gone without a post since I started this blog. I suppose that's indicative of the season we're in, one in which free time is a rarity. This year was a year of great change and great blessing. The biggest blessing came on Thanksgiving Day, when our beautiful new son, Blake Hendrik was born. Born at Mountain Midwifery Center, my labor and his birth were completely different than that of Ben's, a strong reminder that Blake is his own unique person, with a different set of looks and his own special personality. And even as we are adjusting to being parents of two boys who are very close in age, less than 17 months apart (more on that rollercoaster ride later), we are eagerly anticipating watching his personality unfold.

**(Photo credit to Sara Lazio w/ Lazio Images. She is amazing!).

These days my brain most closely resembles a bowl of mush and I'm rarely cognizant of what day it is. I haven't written much because I feel like I can barely string together a coherent sentence, let alone a whole paragraph that adequately expresses the stirrings inside. And my body, oh my body has never been so exhausted, so tired, so achily fatigued, not even after any of my 4 marathons, not after my toughest weeks on the trail as a backpacking guide, not following the births of my sons. One month after Blake's birth and I am the most tired I have ever been. Sure, the sleep deprivation is a big part of that, but I that on top of the physical exertion required to constantly hold one baby, sometimes a toddler too has brought forth a fatigue that a month's worth of sleep couldn't cure.

But one thing I am reminded of often is this is a season.  And seasons change, whether we want them to (and sometimes we desperately do) or not (and sometimes we desperately wish for them to stay). Each season has, as I call them, its beauty points and its buggers. Just as summer brings with it sunshine and long lit days, it also ushers in a bounty of mosquitos. Right now the landscape of what seems like a bazillion poopy diapers a day, sleepless nights, and groggy days is also dotted with soft, sweet, milky breathe, tender little coos, and melt-your-heart first smiles. I'd be lying if I said, it doesn't get any better than this. I'd also be lying if I said I loved all four seasons equally. But, I can say in all honesty that there are aspects of every season that I do thoroughly enjoy, so in this season of juggling a teething toddler and crying newborn, I'm clinging to the little things, the sweet tender moments that pass in the blink of an eye. As for the rest, let this crazy rollercoaster fly on!

Domestic Frenzy

Help me. Somebody stop me. I’m in a domestic frenzy and I don’t know how to get out. My husband had to tell me to stop and rest 3x last night. I couldn’t stop. I’m sending all closets and drawers through a serious purging regimen. I’m cleaning all of those cracks and corners that I don’t even notice the other 364 days of the year. My label maker, Monica, is on overdrive. I’m cooking and baking up a storm, things I’ve never made before like homemade jam, marinara sauce from scratch, and the list goes on. This is not like me, not to this extent anyway. I’m out of control. I can’t stop. People say this is what happens right before you go into labor. Ugh, it’s WAY too early for that, seeing as I’m still 6 weeks out from my due date. When I stop to think about what’s driving this domestic frenzy, there are a number of ‘perhaps’ that cross my mind:

Perhaps it’s because I’m fearing the chaos that’s about to ensue once lil Meuz Deux enters the picture, a season in which grilled cheese sandwiches will be considered gourmet and any energy we do have might be spent wishing like crazy for the cleaning fairies to come.

Perhaps it’s because I fear that with two boys this may be the last time I have a clean house for, uh, the next 2 decades.

Perhaps it’s because we live in a small space, toys encroaching on big people space everywhere. We’re adding another human, so we must get rid of at least that much clutter.

Perhaps it’s my way of dealing with the multitude of things coming my way that I won’t be able to control. There’s a good chance it’s this one.

It’s fascinating, in an out of body experience sort of way, to watch this in myself because I don’t recognize myself. The good news is the house smells like french toast and candles and everything is in its place for the moment. The bad news is that I feel a little bit like a very tired runaway train, albeit a very clean one serving up some tasty food.

Love Multiplied?

As the countdown to Baby Meuz Deux begins, many people have asked me if I’m, ‘so ready to be done being pregnant?’ or if I ‘can’t wait to have this baby?’ And my answer is no, with a little bit of yes mixed in. I am truly eager to meet and get to know this new little being. And the truth is, I don’t love being pregnant, but this pregnancy has been physically easier than the first. I attribute that to a better diet and consistent, frequent exercise throughout the pregnancy. Emotionally, well, that’s a different story as I’ve been a bit of an emotional train wreck this time around. Am I looking forward to saying a big adios to the hormones coursing through my veins? Absolutely. Am I looking forward to bidding adieu to the pillow fortress? You betcha. And so is my husband. Am I looking forward to being able to climb into bed without sounding like I just ran a 100 yard sprint, to wearing pants without a stretchy waistband, to running faster than an 80 yr old, to losing the heater attached to my frontside, to drinking wine and eating sushi again? To all of these things I say a whole-hearted yes, amen, please and thank you.

But all of these discomforts or disadvantages of pregnancy are far outweighed by two aspects of post-pregnancy that concern me, for lack of a better phrase. I have been thoroughly enjoying my days with Ben. He is at such a cute stage, toddling all over the place and babbling away in Benjamin-ese, a language that only he and God seem to understand. He’s so curious and fascinated with books, music, art, and anything that Mommy and Daddy are eating, drinking, or using. I have to confess, yesterday he got his first taste of brownie mix w/ a little water stirred in (mama’s guilty go-to when she needs a chocolate fix). I shudder to think of it, but he saw me eating it and started pointing and whining (the whining is not my favorite part of this stage). I caved. I fed my son a spoonful of brownie mix (don’t worry, no raw eggs in it). What was that I was saying about a better diet this time around? Hey, a pregnant woman needs her occasional chocolate! All that to say, we have so much fun everyday. I love watching him discover and master new skills and his curiosity breathes life into my soul.

This not to mention that I love the daily routines we’ve established, routines that I know will quickly fly out the window in approximately 6 weeks. And as you may know, this right-brained, big ole ‘P’ on the Myers-Briggs, isn’t a routine person. That’s not to say that I don’t like routines because I kind of do, I’m just not very good at implementing them. So, the fact that we’ve got some good routines going on, not only means that my son gets his teeth brushed most days, but I feel a little more calm and my brain, a little less crazy. So, you can see why I might feel a bit apprehensive about letting go of those heartily fought for routines.

But the biggest reason why I feel uncertain, nervous, anxious, or whatever you want to call it that I’m feeling about adding #2 to the mix, is because it means I will have two children…two children to love, that is. I’m not as concerned about the work of two children as much as I am about what it will look like to divide my focus, my energy, and my love between two children. Will each kid only get half? Or will it somehow, in a way unbeknownst to me, multiply? I love Ben more than I knew it was possible to love anyone who wasn’t my husband. And I wonder, quite honestly, will I love this baby as much as I love Ben? I want to. But for the last 2 years since we conceived Ben, it’s been all about him. All my kid-directed energy has gone towards him, towards learning about him, getting to know him, and learning the ropes of motherhood with him in mind. And suddenly, there will be this new little person, also of my flesh and blood, but currently a complete unknown, who will clamor for my love and attention. I can’t fathom loving a child as much as l love Ben. Yet I hope and pray that love truly does multiply, that it’s just as natural of a process to love this baby as it was when the love just seemed to well up inside of me and overflow onto Ben. Ben has been, for the most part, such an easy and laid back baby. What if this one is a little terror? I know that sounds awful to say, but I really fear feeling an internal preference towards one child over the other. I pray for eyes to see this new baby for who HE is, all the tiny nuances that make him different from Ben, and that love multiplies in such a way that I am able to love him as much as I love Ben.

All my second and third-time mom friends assure me that this will happen. And I know full-well that just because I can’t imagine how something will work doesn’t mean that it won’t. But this is my process, albeit a bit wandery. And this is my honest answer to the questions I am asked nearly every day, ‘are you so ready for baby #2 to be here?’ No, in the sense that I’m trying to cherish every last moment I have with just Ben, our family of 3, and our sweet little routines that I’ve come to enjoy. But yes, in the sense that deep down, I know that this new little Meuzie is a unique, God-made little boy, who will fill me with wonder and evoke more crazy love in me than I knew was possible. And when I think of it that way, I can’t wait to meet him.

Boyville Times 2

I find it hard to believe that I'm already approaching the 30 week mark. The return of the exhaustion and heartburn has been both sudden and intense. Tom asked me this morning if I was entering the 'I'm so ready to be done being pregnant' phase. And honestly, while it would be nice to sleep again (though I'm not banking on that for at least another 4-5 years) and to get my body back, I'm not in that phase and I actually never hit with the last pregnancy either. While I am excited to meet the newest member of our family, I am also trying very much to enjoy this time with just Ben, the sweet moments, the routines we have in place (as those are all about to go out the window come November), and just life as I know it right now.

It's been fun for me to look back at my journal from my last pregnancy, all of the feelings I was experiencing, the many unknowns I was about to step into. And it's especially fun to reflect on how I feel about those same things now. One of the things that felt so very scary to me last time was that of having a baby boy, as opposed to a girl. I felt like I didn't have a clue about boys then. And I don't know that I am all that much wiser now, but I can tell you that I wouldn't trade Ben in for anything in the world. I do wonder what it will be like to be a mom to two boys, so different than how I had once envisioned my life, to be honest. But I know that time will tell and thus far I have absolutely LOVED being a mom to one adventurous, tender, and adorable little boy.

As I read through my old journal, I stumbled across a little piece I wrote, but for some reason never posted in the blog. It's entitled, Approaching Boyville. I found it quite humorous to read now, now that I've been living in Boyville for over a year. And so I thought I would post it now:

Approaching Boyville

With a mere 4 weeks left until D Day, the announcement playing in my head goes something like this, “You are now approaching Boyville. We’re expecting a bit of turbulance and what might be a rough landing, so please fasten your seatbelts and attempt to enjoy the ride.” Yup, we’re almost there and I am feeling a myriad of emotions as I peer out the window and spot the first signs of Boyville. For starters, there’s a heck of a lot of blue out there and more animals and trucks and furry little red guys than I’m used to. I’m filled with anticipation, nervousness, excitement, and sheer wonder as to what it will be like once we enter Boyville. While I feel like I’m not a total stranger to Boyville, having made several visits in the distant past, they were rather short and not entireably pleasurable. Most of what I know about Boyville, I learned when I visited Manland about 4 years ago, where I met a smart, sexy resident named Tom. I fell so hard for him that I decided to move with him to Marriagetown, which in fact draws a lot its cultural influences from both Manland and Womanland. The language, the foods, the leisure activities, the interior style all reflect characteristics of both places. Though it does seem that the general style of interior décor is growing to be more heavily influenced by Womanland. I digress.

Anyway, both my experiences in Manland and Marriagetown have shed some light on what Boyville is really like, because Tom grew up in Boyville. Yet, as we approach this land, I still feel like a total foreigner and that feels scary, really scary. How will I know how to act in Boyville? After all, I grew up in Girlville and with 2 sisters, I spent ALL my time growing up in Girlville. It’s what’s familiar to me. Boyville might as well be Mars to me. But I’ve been reading in my Lonely Planet Guide to Boyville and it’s provided me with some tips that seem like they’ll prove useful for my survival, err time, in Boyville. For example, under extra things to pack, it instructed me to bring some extra burp clothes and diapers to use when changing a diaper in Boyville, so as to avoid being doused by a 'spontaneous yellow fountain.' I also read that it would be helpful to pack along some extra bandaids and neosporin. Oh and they said to drink a lot of coffee and caffeine, as the littlest residents of Boyville tend to have an abundance of energy and may be challenging to keep up with.

In reading about the language of Boyville, I discovered that it’s the same as in Girlville, but there’s a different dialect and particular words which are used more often than in the region of Girlville where I grew up. I’ve been trying to memorize some of those words and their meanings including, “Thomas the Train, trucks, build, destroy, dirt, fart, burp, wrestle, etc…” While I recognize that there are plenty of residents of Girlville who are familiar with and use those words as well, I am noting that I don’t happen to be one of them. I also read that residents of Boyville (and Manland) tend to be more direct in their language.  I even heard there is an oral exam upon entry to the country, apparently it's to ensure your ability to communicate in Boyville. You have to relay an entire story in 20 words or less, which will be quite the challenge for this verbose female! I was however, delighted to read about some of the popular activities in Boyville, ones that I too, happen to be familiar with and love, including playing outside, hiking, camping, exploring, and playing sports. These are not activities that are exclusive to Boyville, but not enjoyed by all girls in Girlville either. Yet, they are acitivities that I love and while I don’t yet know if my boy will love them too, if he does, I can assure you that they are things that will allow me to feel a little more at home in this otherwise foreign land.

All this to say, it’s one thing to read a book about a place or to hear about other peoples’ experiences, but it’s an entirely different thing to actually visit and experience a place for oneself. And every experience is unique, this I know. So, as I make my way ever closer to Boyville, I am putting on my brave face (and arms and legs and…) and I am trying to approach it with an open mind and heart, with humility, a sense of humor, as a learner of the culture and the people, especially the one little guy with whom I’ll be spending the majority of my time while I’m there. Whatever vocabulary he uses and whichever leisure activities he decides he likes, I’m looking forward to engaging in those with him and I have a feeling that he will have a great deal to teach me as well.

Simple Moments, Sweet Joys

While I can’t remember much these days, I do remember when I was pregnant with my first child, Ben, and people would ask me all sorts of questions, mostly of the well-meaning but occasionally dumbfounding variety (like, did you really just comment, ‘you look huge, are you so ready to have that baby?’). And then they would often proceed in their attempts to ‘prepare me for motherhood’ by saying things like, “sleep now because you won’t sleep for the next 18 years” or “ get ready because your life is about to totally change, it’s gonna be all about diapers and feeding and the latest Pixar movie from here on out.” Or there’s my favorite, “brace yourself for this baby to rock your marriage. It’s extremely difficult to find time for you and hubby to connect once baby arrives and to talk about things other than poopy diapers and a sleep schedule. But you need to find that time, so be intentional.” The picture of the child-rearing phase being painted in my head could have easily been entitled, “Misery.” Hearing all of these stories and pieces of advice started to send me into a bit of a panic as I found myself begging my husband, “Tell me again, why we chose to do this.” But I reasoned that those same people choose to have more than one child, so there has to be an/some upside(s), right?

And in all honesty, now that I have my own child, I can say that much of what people ‘warned’ me about is true in some way. It IS challenging. Having a child does change your life, it does change your marriage, but not all for worse, and in fact, not even mostly. What I wasn’t hearing much of when I was pregnant, what I wished I had heard, were the sweet moments, the ones that I think people are thinking of (but often don’t bother to tell you or perhaps they can’t articulate) when they pat me on the shoulder and assured me, “but it’s all worth it.” In my opinion, those are the stories that expectant mamas and papas need to hear. Of course it’s healthy to have our expectations set as realistic as possible, but there are plenty of books out there to inform us of our impending lack of sleep. And the reality, at least my reality, is that there are countless tender moments that really don’t carry the weight they deserve until you experience them for yourself. So, now that I’ve ventured a mere 14 months into the motherhood and am preparing to welcome another little monkey to our family, I thought I would share just 10 (of many) sweet moments I’ve experienced with Ben that consistently melt my heart, increase the ‘love-flow’ as I call it, and truly (I swear to you) make being a mom, the incredible, wonderful, life-changing journey that it is.

1. The wide-eyed gaze of wonderment that my son gets when he rides in the stroller, in awe of the trees rustling in the wind, the puffy white clouds dancing in the sky, and the birds serenading us as we stroll on by (one big reason why a ‘peek-window’ in the shade canopy is so worth it!)

2. The hearty laughter that erupts from the pit of his belly in uncontrollable waves simply because that one little piggy dared to go ‘wee wee wee, all the way home.’

3. The look of joy that emanates from his face as he hears the altogether new sound that he created by banging 2 plastic balls together in his tiny hands.

4. When we arrive home in the car and he is cashed out in his carseat, appearing so peaceful and serene, his long eyelashes resting on his cheeks, which appear chubbier and even more kissable than usual. And I take a moment to watch and listen to his soft rhythmic breathing, a sort of breathing that speaks the language of rest.

5. The glowing pride he radiates as he dares to take an unassisted step and then proceeds to crash into the safety of my embrace, laughing with delight.

6. The initial moments following a nap, when I walk into his room, assuring him and his tears that “mommy is here.” He peers up at me from his crib, still half asleep, arms stretched in the air, with that one giant, salty tear drop still resting on his cheek. I pick him up and he clings with both hands to my neck and rests his warm, sleepy head on my shoulder, cuddling for a moment or two before he spots his toy on the floor and starts squirming to get down, ready to begin exploring his world all over again.

7. Bathtime – His excitement and laughter as he splashes at the water and squirts a stream into my face with his little dolphin-shaped bath toy. And as I bundle him up in his towel and nuzzle my face into his tufts of soft, fine hair, I breathe in the sweet smells of chamomile and lavender, sweetness to my senses.

8. The persistence he demonstrates as he pushes his fire truck through the living room, up and over that pillow that threatened to stop him, ‘vroom-vrooming his way on through!’

9. I can’t help but laugh and appreciate (for now anyway) the moments when he dares to drop a piece of food over the edge of his high chair to our dog, who now consistently parks her ever-widening behind under the high chair at meal time. As I point to my mouth and firmly say, ‘Ben, you eat your food, in your mouth please. Do not give it to Sami,’ he flashes me a rebellious grin, drops it right into Sami’s mouth, and laughs like he’s just pulled off the biggest scam in the world. Like I said, it’s funny now but ask me again in two years!

10. When we arrive somewhere new and to him, quite foreign, I can see the adventurous look in his eyes. He wants so desperately to explore his new surroundings. He wanders out from my embrace, crawling (soon to be walking) over to some shiny object or person, to check it out. And a moment or two later, he quickly comes crawling back to my arms, a place where he has learned will greet him with safety and love. And he repeats this ‘out and back’ behavior over and over again, each time discovering a little more how he is separate from me, his own little person, but also how he can still come back to me, and I will be there. I recognize that these ‘out and back’ adventures are going to become farther and last longer with each passing year, which is why I want to cherish each and every sweet, tender, joy-evoking moment with him that I can!

(Right click and press 'stop download' if you can't play the video; and you might want to turn your volume down to avoid hearing my high-pitched, squeaky mom voice!)

Love The One You're With!

Standing in the grocery store line last week, I couldn’t help but be assaulted by, err, notice the magazine headlines clamoring for my attention: “10 Tips to Get a Hot Body Now;” “Swimsuits That Slim You Instantly;” “Four kids, no time, this body…find out how she does it.;” “How to Get the Body of Your Favorite Celeb;” “5 cellulite fixes that actually work;” “The trick to getting rid of your double chin;” “Down 35 lbs and already rockin’ a bikini bod just 5 weeks after giving birth.” I wanted to burn them all, the magazines that is, not because I wouldn’t love to have the body of a celebrity or lose my double chin, but because I tire of the messages our culture sends to women about their bodies. Messages like, you have to be skinny to be sexy, you’ll only be desired for your outward beauty, you’re identity is in how you look, and on and on they go. They’re sometimes subtle, sometimes blatant, but either way they tend to leave women feeling dissatisfied with their bodies and under constant pressure to look a certain way.

I’m very much for healthy eating, being fit and in shape, and taking care of your body. But I’m also for balance, accepting the body you’ve been given, and rockin’ what you got! The journey to have a healthy body image has been life-long for me. And not long after I hit my stride as I rolled into my 30’s, feeling really comfortable in my own skin, did I get pregnant. At first, there wasn’t much of a physical change, at least outwardly. Yet the hormones kicked in immediately, ‘the girls’ began to ache, and my tummy began to rebel. And shortly thereafter, the visible signs appeared as my belly began to burgeon, along with other parts of me that unexpectedly burgeoned too! For me, it was my backside, my bum, my derriere, whatever you want to call it. When I'm preggo, it grows at approximately the same pace as my belly. Perhaps it's attempting to even things out, so as to keep me balanced, or at least that's what I tell myself anyway!

Every woman is different and thus, the shape that a pregnancy takes varies from body to body. The one certainty is that your body will change when you're pregnant. How do you handle this change? Some women welcome it completely, taking great comfort and joy in the fact that this ever expanding body is growing another human being. But many women I've talked to experience mixed feelings, the comfort and joy mentioned above, accompanied by a struggle to love their widening, softening, and ever growing body.

An even greater challenge for many women, myself included, is that of embracing our bodies which are forever changed once we've pushed that bowling ball-sized bundle of love out of our nether-regions. No one warned me that I would still look pregnant AFTER I gave birth! I remember having a friend visit me in the hospital the day that my son was born. I was in the bathroom when she arrived and as I came out, I felt the need to warn her, "I swear I gave birth today, but I still look pregnant!" This, not to mention the fact that I was incredibly swollen EVERYWHERE from the IV that had been pumping fluids through me for my 45 hour labor. I look back at pictures of me with my family, shortly after Ben's birth, and while I'm filled with joy and pride, if I'm honest, it's also difficult for me to look at myself in that state.

I immediately loved my sweet baby boy more than I ever thought I could love someone who wasn't my husband, but I also struggled to accept all the jiggle in places I never knew could jiggle. It felt discouraging to weigh more than I ever had in my life (not pregnant) even though I was now sans baby in the belly. But through the years, I've come to realize that body image or how I feel about my body is really a matter of perception and attitude. I know women who, if you look at them from the backside, you wouldn't be able to tell they were pregnant, even at 39 weeks along. And those same women slid back into their size 2 skinny jeans just days after giving birth. Yet, in talking with some of those very women, they too, identified parts of their bodies with which they were dissatisfied. As someone who will likely NEVER don a pair of skinny jeans (due to calves that are about the same size as my thighs, ok not quite, but you get the picture), I initially thought to myself, 'but how in the world could you be dissatisfied with your body when you look like THAT?' But I was quickly reminded that no matter our shape or size, as women, we can always find parts of our bodies with which we're dissatisfied, often times far more easily than we can identify the parts with which we're happy. All too often, I think we waste a lot of energy being mad at our bodies, rather than making friends with them.

Long before my baby-making days, in effort to 'make friends with my body,' I began to periodically ask myself this question, "Right now, is your body a stranger, enemy, or friend?" I began to explore my views and beliefs towards my body and where those beliefs were coming from. I found that I held some strong beliefs about my body, many of which originated from what culture told me I was supposed to look like rather than from my own preferences or what made me feel good.

After giving birth, I desperately needed to revisit the stranger, enemy, or friend question. I also realized that I needed to spend some time reflecting on the awesome feats my body had just pulled off. As I reflected, I began to thank my body. It may sound corny, but sometimes a little heart to heart, or rather heart to thighs dialogue is necessary for me. And as I listen to my body, and sit in awe of everything my body does for me on a daily basis, I am filled with gratitude, able to more easily accept my not-so-favorite-parts.

These are a few questions/exercises that seem to help me and thought I’d pass them along!

1. Right now, do you see your body as a stranger, enemy, or friend?

2. What attitude do you have towards your body today? Positive or negative? Grateful or disparaging?

3. Make a list of the amazing things your body has done for you today. Perhaps you could start with the fact that your body woke up this morning breathing!

4. What have you done to love your body today? Perhaps, start with thinking about what things you could actually do to love your body. Here are a few that I like: feeding it healthy foods, exercise, warm bath, or a massage.

5. Think of something that makes you feel beautiful, not beautiful in the "so and so told me I totally rock those jeans" kind of beautiful, but something that makes you feel beautiful inside and out. For me, it's going for a hike or a run, somewhere in nature. Something about the sun shining on my face, the wind blowing in my hair, and my body carrying me up a hill leaves me feeling strong and beautiful. Whatever it is for you, DO IT!

6. What does it look like for you to accept what you're not and embrace all that you are, when it comes to your body?

As my second pregnancy ensues, it once again is debatable as to whether the baby is growing in my belly or my bum, but I'm in a much better place this time around to make friends with my burgeoning backside. I'm choosing to treat my body right, eating healthy and exercising, and I feel great. Everyday, I make it a practice to thank my body for its willingness to undergo such duress, so as to grant me with another beautiful family member to love. After all, we only have one body, so I say, love the one you're with!